May 17th, 2006

I'm sitting in "Serenity Now" watching Jakob make a mess. There's really nothing I can do about it unless I want a big fight so I'm just letting him go. He's stimming a little but it's not excessive. It's the sandbox...the sandbox that he has ignored for 2 summers has suddenly become his number one priority in the backyard. It's awesome that he's now tolerating the sand...sand used to be one of those sensory things...he wanted no part of it. Now it doesn't bother him a bit. He doesn't mind it on his hands, feet, in his hair or down his pants. He doesn't even mind it if it's wet. After this afternoon, I know that I don't mind it any of those places either...the booger nailed me with several handfuls of it...on my head. Right now, he's on his knees hurling sand all over the yard. That's what he's been doing for the past couple of weeks. At this point, I'm curious to see what he's going to do when the sandbox is empty...I'm guessing I'll be making a trip to Home Depot for more...

I've been having an emotional day...an urge to cry for no real reason. I mean, I have plenty of reasons but none of them are overwhelming me today...maybe it's just a combination of all of it and when it's all added up, it's getting to me. Summer programming for Jakob, finding new ABA therapists, gotta get him in speech and music therapies, gotta get him a haircut, gotta start chelation, gotta get him back to the DAN doctor...gotta, gotta, gotta. Those are just decisions that need to be made and things that need to get done...it's just a matter of doing it. The other stuff I try not to think about too much...like the future.

Maybe what set me off was the short film I watched this morning. It was shown during Imus' show on MSNBC and it's all over the internet. It's one of those things that everyone I know sends me a link to...like the basketball player and the cover of "Time". It's a pretty powerful 13 minutes entitled "Autism Every Day". It features 4 moms talking about what it's like to have a child on the spectrum...and it focuses on the hard parts, the parts that most people don't understand about autism...the scary parts and the sad parts. A must see for everyone, really...if people want to understand. Nothing in it surprised or shocked me...since I live it every day...but it helped me realize even more how little people understand. Autism is my life...and it will be forever. Not a moment goes by in my day where my life isn't affected by autism. Now...I'm tough, I can handle autism...but sometimes I can't handle the fact that autism has control over my son. Yeah, I guess the video got to me and made me think a little bit more about it today than I usually do.

One of the moms in this short film said something to the effect of "all my son wants is to stay in his world and all I try to do is bring him into mine..." I know that feeling and the frustration, sadness and pain that comes along with it. I just wanna hug every autism mom I know...

As far as the future goes, I've pretty much decided that it will be Jakob and me forever. The likelihood of me even dating is slim. It would take a pretty amazing guy to live with me and take on the challenges that Jakob faces. And when the heck will I ever have time to search out that amazing guy...there just aren't many guys like that available. Oh well, everything happens for a reason, right? And it's really not something that I worry about...just something that enters my mind every once in awhile.

Jakob has been doing a little better since my April entry. The transition between Kenny's place and mine has continued to get easier for him. I will admit, it was pretty rough in the beginning. But I kept reminding myself that the whole situation would be hard for a typical kid, let alone a child with autism. The biggest challenge was his disagreeability (I think I just made up a new word). When he'd come back to my place, he was snippy with me. No matter what I asked him to do, I got attitude. He was pretty wound up too...seeking out stimming activities and refusing to transition away from them. It was hard...harder than it had been in the past. Every behavior he was displaying was something I'd seen before so I had to remind myself how I handled it then. Once I remembered, it became easier. Cycles. Everything in cycles. Everything.