October 29, 2007...how it was

There was a time when I was pretty calm, cool and collected.

I didn't get mad, I handled problems by simply finding solutions. I just knew that for every problem, there was a solution and I used all my energy looking for it. No dwelling on the issue. The solutions always seemed to come quickly and easily.

I didn't get rattled. I'd see people around me getting all riled up and I'd be finding a way to laugh about the situation. I knew there was healing in the laughter. And I also knew that answers wouldn't come as long as we were bitching about the problem. The more we bitched, the more power we gave the problem and the bigger it would get. Plus it just never felt good to be upset. It wasn't fun and I was all about fun.

I'm sure there were moments when I experienced some negative emotions but it didn't last long. Mild frustrations and irritations were unavoidable but like I said, I'd find something funny in the situation and before I knew it, a rational thought came along followed shortly by a solution.

Overall, I was a pretty darn peaceful and happy person. I lit candles and listened to Enya. I fell asleep watching Letterman with my adorable cocker spaniel, Miller by my side. The two cats, Bud and Weiser were always close by.

I had an issue or two (primarily an inability to manage money and choosing men that weren't right for me) but other than that, life was pretty simple and easy.

I had a lot of fun and I did a lot of exciting and interesting things. I always had good stories to tell about my adventures.

I had no fear and I experienced a lot of joy. I smiled and laughed a lot. In fact, I was pretty much always smiling and laughing.

I had no complaints and I felt good, physically and mentally. I was skinny and loved doing my hair and make-up. Every 3 weeks, I went to the spa to get my hair and nails done as well as a massage and a facial. I had a standing appointment and it was lovely.

I would never go out in public in my pajamas. I had a closet full of trendy clothes and shoes (over 200 pair at one time). No matter how full my closet was, I could always make room for more (this is where managing money became an issue...I had pretty expensive taste and I felt that I had a certain image to uphold).

I had great friends that I spent a lot of time with. We went to clubs, concerts and football games and we loved road trips. We'd try anything once and somewhere I have the pictures to prove it.

The job was a riot and it was easy.

I had a good time no matter where I was or who I was with. I was comfortable in my own skin and never felt out of place or insecure. I enjoyed everybody, I could carry on a conversation with anybody, anywhere and sincerely enjoy every second of it. I didn't get offended or annoyed.

I occasionally still have dreams about my old bachelorrette pad with the lacquer furninture. It was cool. Honestly, I was pretty cool. And I had a cool car...a white Toyota Celica Convertible...it rocked.

Change is unavoidable, it's a part of life. And dependant on how you view change, it can be excrutiating or exhilirating. There are major life events that cause major change and most people know exactly what they're getting into when they choose major life events like marriage or children. I thought I knew...but, I hadn't a clue.

The end result for me was the disappearance of the girl described above. She probably would have survived in some capacity had it not been for the diagnosis. But it was the diagnosis that changed everything.

(Check back tomorrow...)