October 30, 2007...I knew

I think I knew the diagnosis was coming even before Jakob was born.

I had a pretty rough pregnancy. It was a pregnancy that I was told would probably never happen. From the age of 16, I'd been told that I would have a tough time getting pregnant in the first place. Once in my 20's, I was told that even if I was able to conceive, the pregnancy would be high risk.

I had just started a new job...a morning show. The hours were horrible. I was getting up at 2:30am which is what time I used to go to bed. I was having a hard time getting adjusted and I just wasn't feeling right.

It was Superbowl weekend and the game was being played in Tampa, where I lived at the time. I was getting ready to go to a big party and have more than my share of beers. But something told me that drinking a lot wasn't a good idea and maybe, I should take a pregancy test. I did...I took 2 to be sure. I was in shock and terrified. I didn't expect it and I wasn't ready for it. I cried...a lot and then I got in my car and went to the party.

The last thing I wanted to do was tell anyone at work. I was only 2 weeks into the job and knew there was a good chance that I would, at some point, have to go on bedrest. I knew no one was going to be happy about it. I was a nervous wreck.

I also knew that my marriage was in trouble and having a child was just going to make it worse. I knew it and I knew something about the pregnancy wasn't right. Fot the first time in my life, I was experiencing pure panic.

One of my biggest fears before getting pregnant was that there would be something wrong with my baby. I never feared the most common abnormalities...Down's Syndrome or CP. I feared Autism. I wrote it off to the fact that I'd had 2 bosses have sons who were diagnosed with Autism. Since that was the one that I'd had some direct contact with, that was the one that was in the forefront of my mind.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was 5 weeks along. At 15 weeks, I was admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery and put on immediate and full bedrest. I was only allowed out of bed to go to the bathroom or take a shower. For the next 6 months, the only time I left the house was to go to the OB/GYN or to the hospital. I was hospitalized 3 more times for a variety of issues before Jakob was finally born.

The station put some broadcast equipment in my home so I could remain on the air but it was weird. I never really felt like I was a part of the show and my pregnancy was never discussed. Very rarely did we even mention that I was at home, on bedrest trying to save my baby. I don't know what else to call it other than weird....disconnected, I guess.

In the first couple of months of bedrest, friends came over pretty regularly to visit but that slowed down after awhile. I'm sure I wasn't a barrell of laughs and they had places to go and things to do...fun things.

I watched a lot of tv and ate. I ate a lot...full meals every 2 hours which would explain the 80-pound weight gain. My friends snuck me Hershey bars with almonds that I hid in the drawer next to the bed. Those Hershey bars were probably my best friends.

I was nervous, scared, anxious, sad, stir-crazy, horrified and fat. Those emotions were all pretty much new territory for me and for the first time in my life, I couldn't find much to laugh about. It was rough.

And as I would lay there, on my left side with my head slightly elevated to control the acid reflux, in the back of my mind, I was thinking Autism. As I rubbed my belly and kept saying "I love you", I was thinking Autism. As I cried over the loneliness and the fear, I was thinking Autism.