June 1st, 2006

Get him to his happy place...that's what my gut has been telling me for months. I'm starting to listen to it.

In his happy place, he sings, dances, self-regulates like nobody's business, imitates everything...sounds and motion.

Get him to his happy place and he shouts the "g-o" in BINGO...and imitates every dance move in "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain" (which was one of my childhood favorites...ask my Dad).

He's a riot. Nothing rattles him...he goes with the flow and most importantly, he's happy.

Find Happy Place.

Go there.

As often as possible...

I have a happy place...I think everybody does to some degree. I mean, it makes sense ...in order for me to be in my happy place, I have to take a shower, wash my hair, my skin needs to be pretty clear, I have to do my hair and make-up, wear a cute outfit that I feel thin in, and of course, cute accessories...shoes, jewlery, purse. My skin must all be hair-free and moisturized. And I must have coffee....lots of cream and sugar. That's just the prep required to go to my happy place. The small details affect me...if I feel really fat on a particular day, I'm "off" that day. So I can understand if Jakob's day gets thrown off by not being able to jump on his trampoline before he goes to school.

I find the more I watch Jakob, the more I learn about all of his different quirks. And if he's allowed to be himself and do "his thing", he will arrive at his happy place. Some of "his things" are jumping, eating cookies, music (different kinds on different days at different times dependent on the situation), the bath, the back yard...sand, water, trampoline and slide, fruit juice snacks, running a few sprints, bouncing on a therapy ball, bubbles and a couple hot dogs. The trick is to figure out what he needs at what time...and that changes day-to-day. So I watch and try different stuff that I know are on his list of "happy things".

The road that I chose back when all this first started was to try as much as possible...try anything I thought might work. If he showed an interest in building blocks, I bought every kind of building block I could find...animal ones and vehicle ones, different colors, shapes, sizes...some played music, some spun around ...I probably own a couple of garbage sacks of blocks. And that's just blocks...don't get me started on puzzles, books, balls, pillows, games, art supplies, dollhouses, firetrucks, cars, trains, DVD's and videos, tv's, DVD players...a swingset, fence, therapy room, therapy equipment...the list goes on.

When it's all added up...it's a potential downward spiral. I really lost my mind for a little while. Don't get me wrong...I don't have buyer's remorse on anything I bought for Jakob...I just probably could've found it cheaper. But I was in a hurry and I didn't have the time to shop around. I paid for convenience. Now my shopping must cease for awhile...sad day...no new handbags. No new nothin'. I'm not panicking yet...I think I'll be ok. Best put...if I continue at the same pace that I've been travelling, I'd lose the house within a year...so, it's time. Time to stop...well, almost. I think I need to get one more little thing...a sign for my house that says "Start where you are, Use what you have, Do what you can, It will be enough"...really, it is time.

Jakob has reminded me this past week of an important lesson... we both have to have love and laughter. What's by far the most important necessity for me to get to my happy place is...love and laughter...lots of both. If I go to bed at night and I spent the day laughing with Jakob and gettin' lots of Jakob hugs...I know I had a great day.

I've been trying to think of people I know who live under that mantra (love and laugh) and do it succesfully every day (I know a lot that try but not many that succeed). My parents are amazing at it. It's become more and more obvious to me the more I watch them with Jakob. They're awesome...there are no words to accurately describe it. I love them and their examples so much. I'm gonna get a bracelet that reads "WWM&DD (What Would Mom and Dad Do)...maybe two strands...one with WWMD and one with WWDD. I like that idea...could make me millions (please don't steal it...I could use the money).

Other than Mom and Dad, there are really only a couple of people I knew really well when I was younger that were big into love and laughter...and I haven't been close to them in awhile. I've heard that they've had some rough times...I hope their personal tortures are over and they've found peace...and a little love and laughter. They certainly had their happy places...they just weren't sure which roads to take to get there. They're a little slow at reading maps...just like me. Every once in awhile, I think about my old friends and I wonder how they'd get along with Jakob. I think they'd get along beautifully...love and laughter people "get" Jakob. Problem is...I need to find people that successfully love and laugh every day...with no drama. Peace needs to be on that list too. Add peace. Thanks.

Peace, Love and Laughter. Gotta get a tatoo. I've had one idea that I really kinda like...it's on the ankle, it's pretty, feminine, very colorful...striking if you will...a definite conversation starter...I need a good artist to make a design that somehow means "Autism Mom"...I want it to be something people will see and compliment me on...it will force people to ask a question that leads into a lesson in autism. And even if nobody ever asks...I like it because I'm proud to be a mom who has a child who has autism. I'm proud of his ability to find peace, love and laughter...it's taken us a long time to get to here...and we have a long way to go, but I like what I'm seeing.

The best way for me to stay in my happy place is to not let anything bother me...not snotty remarks, dirty looks, being ignored or dismissed. I cannot control what anyone says or does...all I can control is how I react to it. So, I'm going to try to react to everything with at least a little bit of love and laughter. I'm gonna laugh no matter how hard I want to cry or how badly I want to scream. Attitude is everything. I'm not gonna get angry. I will not be easily frustrated. Smiles...lots of them. But I do think I'll keep up the breathing exercises...just to be safe.

It seems that my happy place is a lot like Jakob's happy place. Whew...that makes this easier. Find my happy place...find Jakob's...nice.

Jakob's Happy Place...I swear I've tried to find it for soooooooo long. The beauty of it all is finally, after all this time and all this thought and all this total change in our lives...I feel like it was all worth it. I was tortured during this search.

I'm not sure why this all feels like such and epiphany for me, but it does. An Oprah "A-ha" moment. I swear, it sounds cliche, but it's like I've been gathering all these puzzle pieces and now I have enough of them to start trying to put them together. I'm trying and it seems to be working. Time to breathe, even if it's just for a moment.

I'm sure there's at least one therapist and one mom (at least) that are saying to me right now "Jenn, you pain in the butt, I've been telling you all this for years...but you wouldn't listen"...and they might be right. Maybe.

But what I think I've realized is...this is a journey and there's no map. No concrete directions anywhere. I can look at some pictures of where I want to or need to go...but I have to figure out on my own how to get there. A lot of turns have been taken...interstates and backroads...engine trouble...a couple fender-benders...nasty weather...some good flights with only minor turbulance...a delay or two on the tarmack...a flat tire...and tons of motion sickness. It's been quite a trip and right now, I feel like I've found Hawaii...