Wednesday, October 31, 2007

October 31, 2007

The first year of Jakob's life is pretty much a blur. All I can really remember is how I felt. I was a mess, a complete mess.

I didn't know what to do with him. He cried and screamed so much. He didn't like to be held. Every time I picked him up, he pushed away. I thought for sure that I was just a terrible mother and my kid hated me. I was afraid that he didn't even know me and I carried all the guilt for that because I was working. I was never there when he got up in the morning and when I was home, I was so tired. I never had any energy. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

I can remember crying spells that no matter what I did, he just kept crying. My girlfriends would come over and they could get him to stop, at least for a little while. And since they could get him to stop, I figured they had mothering skills that I obviously did not. I was convinced that I sucked.

Same went for work. I sucked there too. It seemed like I never did anything right. At every turn, no matter what I did or said, it felt wrong and like I was letting everybody down. The guilt while at work was overwhelming. I felt like I needed to be home with my baby who was more often than not, so unhappy.

When I was home, Jakob's dad and I fought constantly. It was anger like I'd never felt before. There was nothing funny at home...absolutely nothing to laugh about. Sleep deprivation, a screaming baby, a screaming husband and a house that looked like it had been hit by a tsunami. All that in addition to the work situation led me to medication. I didn't know what else to try and the anxiety was too much. I could feel my pulse race, my shoulders were in my ears and all I wanted to do was cry. But I couldn't break down. I was the Mom and the breadwinner, I had to try to keep it together.

I do remember Jakob's first birthday party pretty clearly. It was just a few weeks before we moved to Cincinnati. We had close to 30 people coming and I was nervous. I knew how Jakob reacted to a lot of people...it wasn't pretty. We had taken him to a few restaurants and it never went well. He would scream and scream until we left. He'd pretty much scream whenever we took him anywhere. So my plan was to put him in his highchair and leave him there...at least for awhile. I remember how mad some of our friends were when I asked them not to pick him up. They were so offended but I didn't know what elso to do and I certainly had no explanation for why Jakob was the way he was.

I had never felt more out of control. I went from a girl who had a pretty good grip on life to the Tazmanian Devil. I was being pulled in 20 different directions all at the same time and had no clue what to do or try next. Constant chaos. My head was always spinning. It was an awful rollercoaster ride and I saw no way to get off. For the first time ever, I didn't have any answers.

But in the back of my mind, I knew it was Autism.

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