February 15th, 2005

It has been a really rough week. Jakob has not been himself. We’ve seen some behaviors that we haven’t seen in months and it has been scary. Temper tantrums that lasted for what seemed like hours. Temper tantrums that came out of nowhere for no apparent reason. Screaming, hitting, kicking and more screaming. There were several times when I thought I was gonna lose it. No matter what I did, I couldn’t pull him out of it. Nothing worked…I couldn’t distract him, favorite toys and foods didn’t help, even his blankie was a no-go. It was the most helpless feeling…I did a lot of breathing.

Ya know you’ve got trouble when you’re waiting in line to pick up your child from school and his teacher is making a b-line for your car…not a good feeling.

Luckily, he’s coming out of it. The past couple of days he’s been back to himself. He’s happy and calm again. He’s interacting really well and his eye contact is great. Thank God. I don’t think I could’ve taken much more of the “obstinate” Jakob. I’ve been trying to figure out what might have caused the setback. His routine was messed up for a while…houseguests, he was sick, missed some school. That could have done it. Temporary regression is normal with the Sensory Learning Program. That could have been part of it. Or maybe, this is just what is going to happen every once in a while…Jakob has autism.

Kenny has really been great. He’s been unbelievable with Jakob…he’s even been the more patient and calm one a couple of times. He and I are really beginning to work together as a team. It’s so nice…for us and for Jakob. Jakob sure does love his Daddy. I have to give Kenny a lot of credit. A lot of fathers would’ve reacted differently to their son’s diagnosis. Kenny’s right there with me…whatever we have to do to help Jakob. He’s our little guy and we love him more than anything.

Since we got the diagnosis, I think some of our friends are distancing themselves from us. I don’t think they know what to say. I can tell they’re uncomfortable. I hope this is just a phase and they’ll come back around. They need to know that we’re ok. We really are. This is hard but we’re handling it. I guess when you have kids and they’re “normal”, trying to imagine having a child that’s “different” is overwhelming.

I’ve come to the decision that this is my destiny. I was destined to be a mother of a special needs child. I’ve been groomed for it my whole life.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me. Aside from the standard loss of my grandparents and a few pets, there has been no tragedy in my life. My childhood was wonderful and happy. I had an easy time in school. I’ve never really had to struggle with anything. I’ve been so very lucky. I used to wonder “when is something bad going to happen to me and when is it going to happen?”
I think this is it. But Jakob and his diagnosis isn’t something “bad”, it’s a challenge. Big difference between bad and challenge. And it’s this “challenge” that I’ve been groomed for.
My parents are amazing. I’ve never seen them rattled. Nothing upsets them or makes them mad. They’re steady, unshakable. Whenever faced with a challenge, they immediately would look for a solution. They never wallowed in it…they just tried to figure out a way to make it better. And I don’t think they ever failed. They also have this unbelievable ability to laugh. Laughter will help us through this. I need to make sure I tell them how awesome I think they are and thank them for all they’ve taught me along the way. All their lessons about life are already coming in handy.

I’m trying so hard to keep my chin up. I will say it again…I believe everything happens for a reason. This past week, my patience and strength have certainly been tested. I’ve done a lot of thinking…a lot of soul searching. I’ve almost cried on several occasions (I’ve never been much of a crier). I’ve had moments when I’ve felt so very lost. Throughout all the mood swings and the fear, one thing has remained constant…I have never loved anything like I love my Jakob. And it’s his smile and his laughter that will get all of us through this…together, as a family.

-Jenn