July 18th, 2005

Here's the quick run-down...we're waiting for test results with the DAN doctor so we can start the diet, Jakob's in a big boy bed, he's trying so hard to talk, he sat and watched baseball with Kenny and he's totally in love with the garden hose. I know there's more but I'm drawing a blank. So many things happen that I say to myself "ya gotta put that in the journal" and then I forget. I try to make lists but we all know how brilliant I am at organization...I'm still working on that. The other obstacle that I've been facing is whenever I seem to have the time to write, I'm frustrated or irritated and just not in the right frame of mind. I don't want every entry in this journal to be whiney...all focused on "how hard this is" or "how tired I am". But just for the record...this is hard and I'm tired.

The DAN doctor was pretty interesting. I learned a lot about the theories behind vaccinations causing or at least contributing to autism. I got lots of information on dietary issues and how they can affect the neurogical system. Scary stuff. The doctor we saw is obviously extremely bright...lots of degrees and very passionate about her work. Everything she said made sense. I'm not at a point where I can accurately explain everything she told us...I understand it but I'm not ready to explain it to anyone else. A little more studying is required on my part...I'm working on that. I have a reading assignment...another book. It's funny...I did so much reading in college that I swore off books after I graduated. Back to the educational grind after all these years. Oh well, I always enjoyed learning new things, just never thought I'd find myself researching anything to do with nutrition. Me and nutrition?? Please. Give me an extra value meal and a diet coke. But for Jakob, I'll give anything a shot. We're still in the process of collecting urine and blood samples for the tests. Once that's done, it'll be a while before we get the results. We have another appointment the end of August...hopefully, we'll have the results and we can start making the big changes in his diet. We're nervous about that transition.

It seems everything that Jakob eats will pretty much be eliminated...cheese, crackers, cheese crackers, yogurt bars, cereal...all of it. It's gonna be ugly and I'm not looking forward to the fighting. And it will be a huge fight. I can't even remember the last time he tried something new. We offer him things all the time but he has absolutely no interest. I'm not sure he even realizes when he's hungry.

I continue to do things to "Serenity Now"...and I'm having a tough time getting Kenny to understand why I'm so obsessed with the back yard. I will admit...I have probably spent more money than I should have, certainly more money than we have. The credit cards have been getting used a lot. I don't like having debt any more than anyone else does. I'm just trying to follow my gut. My gut is telling me that there's something clicking with Jakob when he's outside and after watching him last night, I think my gut has been leading me in the right direction.

I sat and watched him go to the trampoline, to the slide, to the fountain, to the birdbath, to playing with the hose, to the water table, to the sensory table, to the spinning thingies, to bubbles, to walking on the pavers. I almost cried when he was sitting in the rocks and playing with the fountain. I put so much thought into picking out those rocks and that fountain...trying to find the perfect set-up for Jakob. To see him throwing the rocks into the fountain and then pulling them out one at a time and laughing like crazy...I know I got it right and it was "priceless". There is nothing on this earth as precious as Jakob's laughter...and the more laughter, the better.


Jakob also has an intense side...I can tell when he's really concentrating on what he's doing. The garden hose is one of my favorite "intense" activities. He pulls and pulls on it until he gets it over to his water table. He will manuver that hose until he gets right where he wants it and he will proceed to fill up the table. When it's almost full, he'll drag the hose over to this one spot by the fountain. It's a spot where there's no grass, just dirt. He stands over it and waters it. It's hysterical. I think I might have myself a gardener in training!! He may just be a natural...I'm gonna get him a couple plants of his own to water (or drown).

Everything we try with Jakob is a crap shoot. We never know for sure what's gonna work. Only recently have I begun to feel that I "know" my son. I think I've gotten a pretty good handle on what he does and doesn't like, what he'll react positively to and what he won't like at all. I have to constantly remind myself that I am Jakob's mother...I know him better than anyone. It's my gut that I have to listen to and trust. That's all I'm trying to do...have the confidence to trust my gut.

-Jenn