April 27th, 2005

It's a transition period. That's what I keep trying to remind myself. It will get better. It's just a matter of everyone getting used to a new schedule. That's all. A transition period...

My schedule has been altered slightly. Work has been busy, I'm getting a lot less sleep and I'm spending less time with Jakob. It is what it is and there's not a lot I can do about it. This is life.
Time management is my biggest issue and deciding how to spend my time is tough. What's more important...dusting Jakob's room and cleaning his sheets or reading a book with him? I'd prefer to read the book but I don't want him living in filth. I have to clean his room or his allergies act up and he has problems sleeping. I face a multitude of decisions like that one every day. It's all about "balance"...if one more person says that word to me...

One thing I'm trying really hard to accept is...I'm not "SuperMom" and no matter how hard I try, I never will be. If I keep trying to be "SuperMom", something's gonna give and it's not gonna be pretty. I read a saying somewhere..."Start where you are, use what you have, do the best you can, it will be enough"...or something close to that. I'm trying my best to live by that but it's hard. Before I was forced to "grow up", I had all the time and energy in the world to succeed in whatever I put my mind to. I guess now I'm attempting to succeed at too many things. (Is this making any sense to anyone besides me?)

Jakob has been having a rough couple of weeks. We have a good day or two and then it gets ugly. Twice in the past week his school has told us that they've had their hands full. He screams, cries, stomps his feet, throws stuff. We aren't sure why...wouldn't it be great if he could just tell us why he's so upset???? I'd like that a lot...

It's gotten to the point at home when he has these tantrums that I just leave him alone. I can see the confusion in his eyes...he gets so wound up that he doesn't even know what he wants. He wants me in the room, he wants me out of the room, he wants the tv on, the tv off, the door open, the door shut, lights on, lights off, he wants his sippy cup, he throws the sippy cup across the room. It's soooo frustrating for me, but I'm way more concerned about him. I want to make it better but nothing I seem to do helps...so, I just leave him alone to work it out on his own.
When I just leave him be, it's a nerve-racking time. The worry-wart inside of me can't help but think that something is physically wrong with him. He hasn't been eating very well and he's obviously having some digestive issues. I can't blame him for being cranky if he's feeling rotten. I think the weather has been a contributing factor as well...we haven't been able to go outside much...I know that it's making me nuts to stay inside.

There are so many different possibilties why he's been the way he's been. One strong possibility is a simple one...this is autism. This is just the way it's gonna be. This is the way he is...the good days are great, the bad days are a nightmare. And there is absolutely no way to know what tomorrow will bring. The "bad days" are just one of the many things that make autism such a sad condition. Jakob is obviously sad on those days and it makes me very sad to see him sad and even sadder that there's nothing I can do to make it better.

The poor kid got home from school today and was fussy. Then the injuries...he knocked himself in the eye with a door in the basement. He cried for a little bit...then came the lazy susan. He smashed his thumb in that and really cried. After the crying stopped, he whined for the next 45 minutes. I kept trying to get a good look at it. It's swollen but the injury looks to be closer to the nail. There's a small purple mark under the nail...but I don't think it's broken. After the 45 minutes of whining, he passed out while I was hugging him. I guarantee he'll sleep til about 1am...then he'll wanna party. I can look forward to that...

Basically, I'm gonna have to do something I don't ever like to do...ask for help. I need help. I haven't figured out what kind of help yet but I definitely need some kind of help. I'll have to figure out what I need help with first and I'm working on that...I have a few ideas but no clue where to go or who to ask. All I do know is once I have the plan, it's gonna be hard to actually go through with the asking part. It will be very uncomfortable for me...

Not all of this "transition period" has been awful. There have been some shining moments too. He's regularly doing "open and shut them" with me..claps and everything! It's the first time he's consistently mimicked anything like that. He's also been vocalizing a lot more. Both of these things are steps in the right direction towards speech. He's even learning more signs.

He's so ornery...I love that. I really don't have a problem with ornery. The way I see it...it takes thought and creativity to be ornery. If he's trying to pull something over on me, he's thinkin'! He's trying to solve a problem...problem solving skills! One of the most important life skills...he's getting the hang of it! I look at it as a good thing...and it really makes me laugh. Laughter too is a good thing. I need the moments of laughter to outnumber the tears.

I'm looking for laughter and relaxation...and a little frickin' sunshine wouldn't hurt either!!!
I'm really looking forward to next Saturday's "Walk the Walk" at Devou Park to benefit Children's Hospital Division of Developmental Disabilities. Jakob and I will be there and I can't wait to talk to other families dealing with the same issues...we need each other. I feel so much better after an event like this...I almost feel "normal". Whatever "normal" is...according to a plaque hanging in my kitchen "Normal is just a setting on the washing machine"...

-Jenn