April 12th, 2005

For some reason, that I can’t pinpoint, I have this overwhelming urge to cry today. Nothing bad has happened and Jakob is doing fine. I’m not upset about anything in particular…maybe it’s just the rainy weather. Hopefully this feeling will just go away.

Maybe I’m just suffering from “Jakob withdrawl”. I was out of town for the weekend and didn’t get to spend any quality time with him. My parents were here too to baby sit and they left this morning. I didn’t get to see them much either. Kind of a bummer. It’s always so nice to have them in town. They ground me…and I need that every once in awhile. They help me remember who I am, if that makes sense.

It’s also great how much they help me. Just the little stuff helps so much…organizing stuff, fixing little things. And they always make me laugh. Mom and I had the best giggle last night with one of Jakob’s toys. It was this magnetic face that you put the eyes and nose on…kinda like a Mr. Potato Head. We were putting silly mouths on people and Mom did a face that was supposed to look like Dad. We were laughing so hard we were crying. It’s nice to laugh like that. I’m definitely at that point in my life where I really like having them around. You rarely hear an adult say that they’d love for their parents to move in with them…well, I’d love to have them move in with us.

Jakob would totally dig it too. He loves hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma has a very calming way about her. He’s always snuggling with her and he loves her homemade cookies. Dad is 6’4 and Jakob loves it when Grandpa picks him up. Jakob and Dad had a ball together in the back yard on the trampoline and the swing set. It’s pretty amusing to see a 6’4, 62-year-old man jumping on a trampoline…I should’ve taken video.

It was funny last night when Jakob was playing with the DVD player and I told him to stop. He did it again and Kenny told him “no”. At that point, he went running to Grandma and gave her a big hug. He’s no dummy…he knows that with Grandma, he always gets his way. And I’m ok with that, that’s what grandparents are for.

I’m so proud of my Mom and Dad. They’re really taking Jakob’s autism in stride. They’re actively trying to learn as much about autism as they can so they can understand him better. They constantly try new things with him if what they’re already trying doesn’t work. They don’t fight him; they go with the flow. They’re awesome. Jakob reacts to them more than he does with anyone else. I love to just sit back and watch. Jakob and I are very lucky to have them. And Kenny’s lucky too…not only did he score me, he scored my parents. (I’m grinning and rolling my eyes as I write this.)

I have to say that the trampoline and the swing set extension were great ideas. Jakob loves our backyard and has really begun to interact with other kids when they come over. He’ll get in the tramp and laugh like crazy with the neighborhood kids where a couple of months ago he wouldn’t even look at them. Like the commercials say…”priceless”. The only drawback is that he never wants to come in the house. It’s a little bit of a challenge but I think I have it figured out. When he’s getting ready to go down the slide, I tell him “last time” and he grunts at me. Then I say it 12 more times and tell him that we can come back out later. Nine times out of ten, it works. For time #10, I just scoop him up, run in the house and open his sensory table. He recovers pretty quickly.

Kenny and I are looking into some summer speech programs. I hope we can get him in and that it helps. I think anything that’s structured will do him good. He’s using signs more regularly and I swear he so desperately wants to talk. I can see it in his eyes, he has so much to say. I can’t wait for the day that I can get in his sweet little head and find out what he’s thinking. I really believe that day will come. I pray it comes soon.

The longer we go without speech, the more terrified I get. Not long ago, I ran into a man (about 30) with autism. He was a sweet man but quiet. His eye contact was minimal and he didn’t say much. What little he did say he repeated over and over. He seemed timid, uneasy and almost frightened. I just wanted to give him a big hug but I knew that would be the last thing he would want me to do. More than anything, I think he just wanted me to go away and leave him alone. Standing about 5 feet away from him was his mother. I’d guess she was in her 50’s but looked far beyond her years. It was obvious she’s been taking care of him all his life. I walked away from that encounter and I was numb just thinking that might be Jakob and me 30 years from now.

Maybe it’s that encounter that makes me feel like crying today. I want so much more than that for my son. Scary thing is…we have no way of knowing what lies ahead. Jakob may be lucky to be as well-adjusted as 30-year-old Anthony. He may be a college grad. We’ll have to wait and see. For now, I’ll just make sure that I’m doing everything in my power to help Jakob be the best he can be. And whatever “the best” is, I’ll accept it and simply love him as much as I can.

I sure could use a tissue…

-Jenn