Thursday, November 01, 2007

November 1, 2007...a transition

Oh yeah...one thing I forgot to mention yesterday...when Jakob was 11 months old, I got fired. That contributed slightly to my level of stress and anxiety...

Luckily, it didn't take long to get a new job and within a few weeks, we were packing to move to Cincinnati.

I thought a new start in a new city may do us some good. A new place, a new home, new friends, new job and we'd be closer to my parents. It sounded like a big adventure and I was excited, nervous and definitely overwhelmed.

At this point, there was little denying that something wasn't right with my little man. I certainly had my suspicions but the doctor kept telling me that he was fine and I had nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, I was constantly searching for answers in every child heathcare book I could find and on the internet. I read about Autism. At that time (2002), there wasn't a lot of great information. There were a handful of warning signs but nothing like there are today. Some of them seemed like they might apply to Jakob but I could always rationalize it and like I said, the doctor said not to worry and I decided to trust the expert. Especially considering that I had already decided that I was an awful mother.

The move took my mind off of it for a little while. I needed the break but a trip to an island with frozen cocktails would have been a better escape than packing up everything, saying goodbye to everybody and trying to figure out where we were going to live.

During all of this, Jakob's dad and I were fighting more than ever. I think some of our friends were happy to see us go just so they wouldn't have to listen to all the bickering anymore.

And I was still fat. I'd lost maybe 35 pounds of the baby weight but considering that I'd gained 80, I still didn't look like myself. And losing weight was my last priority. There was way too much drama already without me having to give up pizza and quarter pounders with cheese. A girl's gotta have some joy in her life for crying out loud.

The truth was there wasn't much joy at all and I knew it. I wasn't happy and that just added fuel to the guilt fire. I was a new mom with a beautiful baby boy and I was miserable. I wanted so badly to enjoy all of the new mommy stuff but nothing ever went like I thought it was supposed to. Everything was a struggle. I loved Jakob so much and he couldn't have cared less if I was even in the room. And nothing I tried seemed to work. Once in awhile, I'd get a smile or a laugh and I cherished those fleeting moments. But for the most part, I felt like a failure. I was a failure at being a mom and I was failing Jakob.

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