November 5, 2007...getting clearer

As Jakob's "differences" continued to become more and more apparent, I continued my own personal downward sprial. It was unavoidable.

In order for me to understand why he was the way he was, I had to get into his head. I had to see what he saw and feel what he felt. It was the only way to help him.

The whole way I looked at the world changed. Jakob was in pain, he was suffering, he was frustrated and angry. I'd never felt any of that my whole life so the only way that I could ease his pain was to experience the way he was feeling and look for ways to make it better.

The process took over every aspect of my life. I had to feel it every second of every day to really get a handle on it. I had to live through him. And I did.

The old Jenn was completely lost and confused as the my "Inner Jakob" took over.

I guess that's why it's all such a blur...I was too close to it to see it.

The memories that I do have are the moments when I was trying to figure it out. Why certain things made him stim, what environments were just intolerable, what people did to cause him to shut down. It got to a point where I could spot a potential issue from a mile away and I did everything I could to avoid it.

Where I got myself in trouble was when I reacted to my own insecurities and self-doubt. Unfortunately, that happened quite a bit. From the doctor that told me that vaccinations were harmless to therapists who used methods that caused him additional anguish in their attempts to help to friends and family members. Instead of following my own gut instincts, I would listen to them since they were the experts. When in fact, I was the expert. He was living inside of me.

I get it now. It's becoming more and more clear to me every day and I know what I have to do.

First and foremost, I have to heal myself.

Then, along with other people who love Jakob, I will heal Jakob.