"Om"

Friday night...day 9...10:45pm...

I'm so exhausted that I'm about to burst into tears...like the sobbing, uncontrollable, can't catch my breath, couldn't talk if I wanted to kind of tears. Sheer and utter exhaustion.

Jakob fell asleep about 15 minutes ago and I've been waiting to make sure he was really asleep before I got out the computer. I got weak this afternoon and I caved. One of the nurses brought in a laptop, Jakob saw it and was going for it. I was out of the room at the time and when I returned, my Mom was just grinning. Jakob had written on two different white boards "Mom, Computer"...I couldn't say no. The kid's in the hospital for crying out loud. He's been thru quite an ordeal. He knows I have it and he knows I can't lie to him and tell him I don't so I caved. More than 4 hours later, I got sneaky and unplugged it. My battery is pretty much shot so it only took about a half an hour for the thing to die. He looked a little sad but just shut it and sat back on the bed. He was having a pretty good time with Starfall.com but I was reminded why I hide it at home...there's no way anything I can do can compete with a computer.

And in all honesty, I was too weak and too drained to do the song and dance routine to keep him happy. Granted, it may not have taken much to entertain him but I am so far past wiped that I don't have an ounce of that kind of creativity in me. The computer gave me a break. But not tomorrow...computer will be gone.

It's looking like we're heading home Sunday night. They'll give him his last dose of antibiotics, take out the picc and we'll be on our way. Of course, only if everything continues to go smoothly which I believe in my heart it will.

He ate 2 hot dogs and several little bowls of cereal today and he drank some water...finally. So we were able to take him off the IV fluids. That made us both happy. He's not nearly as restricted and can get up and move around pretty easily. Today was the first day that he really had pretty good balance while standing up. He's been pretty wobbly and he kinda leans forward. You can tell he's sore. Tonight he really whined when he peed...the doctor is having us watch him. He thinks it could just be some internal soreness from swelling in his abdomen. A UTI is possible too but we're not seeing any of the other symptoms for that. Wait and watch...2 of my favorite things to do.

Now I'm really close to an ugly cry...where my whole face scrunches up and either I start snorting snot or it runs all down my face...we're supposed to have a patient attendant here and it's not looking like we're getting one...which means I'm up again all night. I don't know if I can do it, I really don't. This is too much. I think I've already overdosed on coffee and diet coke...the caffeine isn't working anymore. Bawl like a baby or get pissed off...tough decision...neither one will solve the problem so why waste the energy.

I'm just so glad that Jakob is doing so well. This whole event has had some scary moments. He's so strong and such a little trooper. He's really done so much better than I could've ever imagined under the circumstances. I give most of the credit to Son Rise. He's just so much calmer now, so much more easy-going, so much more tolerant and patient and connected to people. I'm so proud of him. We've barely even had to give him any meds for anxiety...none in the past 30 hours. No pain meds in at least 12. I'm so proud of him.

Sleep is over-rated, I'll sleep when I'm dead...sleep is over-rated, I'll sleep when I'm dead...my new mantra...and it's not working.

We had an attendant last night...and Jakob was up til 1am. So, I got 4 hours sleep. A record for our stay here, I think. And the girl we had was so cute. She spent the night coloring with Jakob's markers little signs for his door...his name, a rainbow, some clouds. She was sweet...why the hell didn't they send her back here tonight????????????

Positive thinking, positive thoughts. There's always somebody who's got it worse than me...Jakob is recovering, this too shall pass, we'll be home in 48 hours, I'm wearing a cool shirt.

I had a ball last night at my speaking engagement. It went pretty well. Considering I wrote the majority of my speech during my last sleepless night, I felt pretty good about it. If I would've had just one more hour, I think it could have been better...next time. I'll try to do a little editing to make it more print-friendly and I'll post it soon...I think I'd fall asleep if I tried to do it now. If I'm gonna write, it has to be new material.

Maybe I should just cry and get it all out...but crying is tiring and would just make it worse...sleep is over-rated and I'll sleep when I'm dead...

He's been sleeping for over an hour now and hasn't moved a muscle. It's at the point that I think the likelihood of him pulling anything out is slim but I just can't risk it. And I know if I did leave him unobserved and allowed myslef to fall asleep, I'd either be really restless from feeling like I wasn't doing the right thing or I'd pass out so deeply that I wouldn't be able to wake up if I needed to...either way, laying down is a bad idea.

(Saturday,,,1am)

A very kind nurse just came in to sit with Jakob so I could go downstairs and get my 8th cup of coffee today. I gave up coffee months ago (occassionally, I'd have one) but this past week, I've been back big-time. I just haven't known what else to do or try. Light and sweet...an extra large, please.

I've had so many friends call and send emails this past week, all sending their thoughts and prayers. Even got a bunch from people I've never met...so very nice. I feel so blessed to have so many people thinking and caring about my little guy. If you were one of them, thank you. I know that all that thinking and praying really works. I appreciate it so much.

I've made a decision...I'm gonna put down the computer, sit here in this rocking chair and go on a rampage of appreciaton...nothing can beat that. I'm gonna just rock back and forth and think about all the things I'm grateful for...it's a very powerful exercise...I may even throw in an "om" here and there...like "om, I'm so grateful for my king size, memory foam bed at home that I'll be sleeping in only 48 hours from now...om...amd laying next to me in that bed, a happy, healthy 6-year-old boy who's feeling great...om"...