Who Needs Sleep??

Day 5...I think. Yeah, it's Tuesday...10pm. As the rest of the Tri-State runs to the basement to hide from the tornadoes, I watch a sweet, innocent and confused little guy sleep.

He's definitely feeling better, I think. It's just so hard to tell...one minute, he's smiling. The next, he winces. According to the doctors and nurses, medically he's doing just fine...no fever, his abdomen is soft, he's passing gas...but, they've got him back on fluids. He's not eating or drinking anywhere close to enough...don't like that.

The pic line went in last night and I can tell it'll make life easier for him but it's annoying him. We have to watch him every second, even when he's sleeping, so he doesn't pull the darn thing out.

I'm tired, no doubt about it and I still have my moments of near-panic. At this point, it feels like it's more about the Autism than it is the surgery. He's healing but he wants to go home and doesn't really care why he can't. The only time he ever wears shoes is when he goes somewhere...today he was asking for his shoes and pointing to the door.

A hospital is pretty much sensory overload all the time. People coming in, checking stuff, poking at him, sticking stuff on him. There's tons of noise with all the equipment beeping, lights flashing, people talking, different people in and out. I've been pretty impressed with his ability to deal with all of it. The tricky part is getting him to stay asleep...he's a light sleeper and the poking, beeping and talking can wake him up pretty easily. And once he's up, he can be up for awhile. He's tired too.

He's been able to stand on his own for a minute or two and has taken a few steps. We put him in a wheelchair tonite and took him for a ride around the floor. He liked that a lot but sure didn't wanna go back to the room. He shed some pretty big alligator tears. I hadn't given him any anxiety medication in well over 36 hours but I whipped it out tonite. I don't like drugging him but I know there's a line on how much frustration he can take. I want to avoid getting too close to that line as much as possible...better safe than sorry. And the stuff we're giving him ain't all that powerful and it's only for while we're here, I know he won't need it once we're home.

They told us today that we'll for sure be here til Sunday or Monday and I'm ok with that...actually, I think it's great. Once again, with the pic thingy, the antibiotics, the risk of an abcess and everything else...better safe than sorry.

This past week will be going on my list of craziest weeks ever. A new and different experience.

Sometimes, I think back 10 years ago and remember what my life was like. I never would've guessed I'd end up here. I never would have imagined being a Mom let alone a Mom of a very special little boy. People who knew me 10 years ago wouldn't recognize me now, I'm so totally different.

That used to freak me out a lttle but not anymore. I really love my life the way it is. I don't miss the parties, the drinking, the wild weekend trips, the concerts, the bars, the clubs, the hangovers...the whole scene. I mean yeah, it sure was fun, we had a ball and it was great but this is really great too. I love taking care of Jakob and doing everything I can to help him be happy. I love my Autism families that I get to spend time with. I love doing things in the community like help plan a walk or speak at an event. There's nothing else I'd rather do. I know that's tough for some to believe, but it's so true. I've found my purpose and I love, love, love it. Ya know, they say when you find your purpose, you can go, go, go without getting exhausted or bored or annoyed. I get that. Got my purpose, just need to define exactly what I'm gonna do with it...

Little Man is now receiving his super-power antibiotics thru his new pic line. I'm hovering in the dark, keeping an eye on all 10 fingers. We're half-way there, only 5 more days...it sure is easiest when he's sleeping...

Wednesday, 2am...

Well, I thought that maybe I'd have some time to write during this hospital stay and I've gotten my wish...

I've now been up 21 hours straight with no relief in sight. We're supposed to have a patient attendant with us at all times but she got pulled at 8:45 last night and hasn't been back. Jakob's father called at 9:30 and was supposed to come back to the hospital but I've not heard from him. It's me and Jakob all alone and he has to be watched at all times. So...here I sit in the dark with my laptop...party is on.

I'm supposed to leave for work in about 3 hours but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen if there's no one here to be with Jakob...plus, I don't have a car...guilt is setting in. I have to remind myself that there's no place more important for me to be than right here...and certainly, my co-workers are more than capable of handling it without me while we go thru this.

So many of the Autism Moms I know are able to stay home...or choose to or have no choice. I try to imagine what that would be like. Sometimes I think it sure would be a lot easier to only have to focus on Jakob and the house. Then I have days when I think wow, never a break from Autism and the house. I go back and forth. I'm just so very lucky to have people at work who understand and are compassionate about our situation. I know plenty of Moms who works in places with people who aren't that way.

Work has been another place in my life that has experienced a big shift in the past 10 years. When I was in my 20's, I was the girl on the radio who was at every happening club, dancing on the bar with the microphone and buying everybody shots. I was skinny with new boobs. I was hosting male reviews. I signed off every day by saying "I'm heading out for a cock....tail, straight-up".

Now, I'm the Mom with the "special" child who loves to host fundraisers and give speeches about Autism. Once again, I'm totally cool with that. I do have times though when I feel like I'm not doing my part...I don't make it to every Party at Sawyer Point or every concert or station function. I can't drive around every afternoon in the Whatever It Takes RV. My schedule is tight and pretty inflexible. It's during those times that I have to remind myself what it's like to give one of those speeches or host one of those fundraisers. It's the right thing for me to do and I'm doing what I'm best at these days...that counts for something and I hope it's making a difference...I sure want it to.

I'm hungry...

Thank God this hospital has Starbucks...

When do the donuts from Busken get here???

But it's funny...that whole purpose thing, I'm physically drained but not too slap happy. I dig this writing thing. I'm giving a speech Thursday night and I got most of it written while I've been sitting here...at least I'm getting things accomplished (in addition to keeping an eye on the most precious thing in my world and keeping him safe...mulit-tasking at its finest).

Jakob sure does move around a lot when he sleeps. I think it's a hospital/appendectomy thing. He usually sleeps with me at home and I never notice this much activity...good thing I'm watching...he has plenty of opportunities to start grabbing at stuff...

I wonder what I'll be like tomorrow (later today) when he wakes up. I sure hope I can be alert and on my best game so I can entertain him and keep him happy. I know there will be other people here that he loves but ya know, there's nobody like Mommy. He loves the silly faces and sounds I make. He digs animation and I don't think anybody's as animated as I am...maybe I should have gone into the theater. I did wanna be a dancer on Broadway. I took 11 years of tap dance, ya know...someday, I'd like to be just famous enough to be a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars"...

One thing that's been great while we've been here, he's only saying "no" one time instead of 4...it's so cute but getting a lot of use. No matter what I ask him, he says, "no". "Jakob, do you want a movie?"..."no"..."Do you want a drink?"..."no"..."Do you want some O's, a banana, a hot dog?"..."no, no, no". "No matter what I ask you, are ya gonna say 'no'"...."no". Makes me laugh.

His one front tooth is so loose. It's gonna be gone any day now. I hope he doesn't swallow it. I'm really gonna miss those 2 baby teeth. I've always loved that big space between them. And baby teeth are so cute. When the big ones first come in, kids look more like walruses than kids. Maybe I am getting slap happy.

I gotta get this kid eating and drinkiing soon. I want him off IV fuids. I want him off this machine. If he'd eat and drink, he'd only have to be hooked up to this thing twice a day for 30 minutes getting his antibiotics. Then he'd have the freedom to run around a little bit. Well, not exactly run around since he's only been able to take a few steps.

I haven't been home in almost 6 days and the clothes that my sweet Mom has been bringing me aren't my finest. No make-up, no curlers, no conditioner, no razor, no tweezers...a bra with underwire. I hate underwire...so not comfortable. I'm not feeling pretty.

I bought matching shirts for Jakob and me at the gift shop today.."Team Cincinnati" 3/4-length t-shirts...so groovy. I love Nick Lachey, ya know. I have a pair of his pants.

I can only imagine, when this is all over and Jakob's back home and everything's back to normal, how far behind I'm gonna be on everything. I know when we came here, my to-do list was pretty out-of-control and there's stuff that needs to be added to it. Oh well, I'll get done what I can when I can...not much else I can do.

I wonder if the reason Jakob's father is a big fat no-show is that a tornado picked him up and carried him away???

I had a couple quick glances at the weather reports but I really don't know what's been going on. I've been pretty detached from the outside world for the past week. And I don't miss it one little bit. I don't miss television. Sitting in front of that box and getting caught up in other people's lives or made-up lives just doesn't do it for me anymore. I do like to watch Ellen and Oprah every once in awhile and I do love "Dancing With the Stars" but that's pretty much it. And I do want to do dirty things to David Cook...but I don't know if that counts.

I put out flyers looking for volunteers for our Son Rise Program and I've gotten a couple calls. That'll be fun to get rolling on. I know a big reason that all of this has gone as well as it has is Son Rise. He's calmer, cooler and more able to take all the craziness. I'm so proud of him. I know 6 months ago, we would've been dealing with a completely different kid...one who would've been throwing fits for the past 5 days. He still picks his nose and eats it tho...I think he does that just to make me queasy...it's the one thing that gets me every time...even tho I don't react to it, he knows.

I think he's so squirmy dues to gas. Apparently, passing it is a really good sign following any kind of GI surgery. I know he's having gas pains...he'll wimper a little and then ta-da...then he smiles...not as big of a smile as when he does it in the tub but a smile nonetheless.

2:45...only 4-5 hours until Mom gets here...where's that Starbucks and has anybody seen the Busken truck?