Sunday, June 15, 2008

Silly Fear

Happy Birthday to me...wow, 30-something...doesn't seem that long ago that I was 27. On second thought, yeah it does. It was eons ago. I'm ready to stop counting...

For the most part, Jakob's recovery is going well. He's eating and drinking, peeing and pooping, no abdominal pain or fever. Only problem...cloudy urine and painful urination. Symptoms pointing toward a urinary tract infection. He's at his dad's and I'm waiting for the call that he's peed in a cup so I can take it down to Children's for testing. They recommended we take him to urgent care but we would've waited for days for him to pee there so we talked them into letting us collect the sample at home. I hope this goes smoothly, that it is just a UTI and we can simply treat it with antibiotics...

It's been a weird week for me. I've been caught between 2 worlds...the world of hospital living and the world of living at home. I've wanted everything to get back to "normal" but can't shake the need to constantly hover. I've sensed that he's still not quite feeling great...of course, I've been googling...never a good idea. I don't recommend that to anyone. The possible diagnosis for cloudy urine and painful urination are frightening. It's a UTI, that's it. I've decided.

This is one of those times that I need to follow my own advice and live in the present. I'm doing everything I can and worrying about stuff that I have no control over is not only useless but exhausting. Anxiety ain't fun. Life is supposed to be fun. So I'm having fun sitting here on my birthday, thinking about cloudy urine, damnit. This is fun.

Prior to the cloudy urine, I had decided it was time to really look at the lessons in this big adventure. The lessons...in a minute...I wish he'd pee already. I knew I should've taken a nap earlier. I'm still wiped. And now I get to make a trip to the ER with urine in a bag...and wait for the results, get the antibiotics and take them to him. I want it to be a simple process. I'd like a simple process. Really.

Here I go again, getting all worked up with worry. Let's talk about worry...gotta let go. Gotta focus on things that I have control over. I can control driving the urine to the hospital. I can control getting the prescription, I can control making sure he takes the meds...but that's it. So all I can do is that. All is well. Jakob is fine. He is. I know it. So enough worry...it's just silly.

I would be able to feel that at a deeper level if he were here under my nose...four deep breaths...ok, I'm good.

A couple of the big lessons...

Nothing is more important in my life than Jakob. Nothing even compares. Living in a hospital room for 11 days...no brainer. Not sleeping all night just to make sure he doesn't pull out an IV, no biggie. Remaining calm in the midst of chaos...if it means keeping him calm, easy. Taking everything as it comes, got it. Looking in his eyes, focusing on how he's feeling and what he's thinking...that's the best thing I can do for him. Everything else??? I can deal with all that later...the mortgage, work, email...later.

Another big one...I have wonderful family and friends. My Mom rushed to be here to help for 12 days. She just dropped everything to help me out and look after her grandson...she's gold. Dad was constantly calling to check in. My friends were calling and emailing like crazy. The Autism community was keeping track of us and sending out thoughts and prayers. There was so much concern for Jakob and me. It was so nice and it helped so much. We're very blessed.

It really was a big lesson in being present. No matter how tired I was or how scared I was feeling, when Jakob needed me to be there, I was present. When he woke up and was panicking from all the wires, the hospital room, the strange faces, the pain and the anxiety, I became incredibly present. I looked in his eyes, spoke softly and calmly to him, assured him everything was ok. I told him that I understood why he was so unhappy and I promised him that I would help make it easier. I was totally present with him and I know what a difference that made. Being present when he doesn't want to take his supplements is nothing compared to that. If I can hold it together during major drama, the every-day stuff is a breeze.

(a few hours later...)

Took the urine sample to Children's...now just gotta wait. Something about an initial screening and then having to wait 48 hours til we know for sure. Whatever. I guess if they're not all worried about it, I shouldn't be either. No worries, all is well.

I'd love to quote my psychic...I got an email from her today. Now there are some that think she's a little nuts. I'd call her eccentric, sweet, loving and kind. She's a good person with a huge heart and I dig her. Maybe she can see the future, maybe not. Either way, she often says just the right thing at the right time. She said, "Ok weird thought. Do you think of your son as other than a perfect way God is manifested? He will reach your expectations. And more. Expecting him to have a problem he can't fix is not asking him to reach. Be sure and don't limit him with your fear."

She makes a really good point. Jakob is perfect. I know that. Sometimes I need to remember that...like whenever I get caught up in the fear. The fear I experience now is nothing compared to where I was a couple years ago. The fear then was disabling. Now, I'll get a little anxious and start googling a little...that's nothing. Two years ago, I never would've been able to handle the past few weeks. I feel pretty good about that. We're both doing great.

Someday I'll share everything I told him in the hospital...I know my little speeches made a difference. And I know he's healing. All is well. I know. I really know.

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