August 24, 2008...lesson learned

Even though I haven't posted anything in awhile...I've been taking plenty of notes. So much to share, too much for a blog. Maybe a book someday...

Going back and reading what my life with Jakob was like a year ago, I get very excited about where we are today. I now have a child who wants to interact with me, not just turn the water or the movie on and off for him. He uses words instead of grabbing me by the arm or the shirt and dragging me where he wants me to go. He looks me in the eye and smiles...a lot. We play, we laugh, we snuggle. We spend time together, not just in the same room. It's really a nice life.

I'm in such a better place now. I've got this...most of the time. What's really cool is in those moments when I don't got it so good, I know what to do to get it back and I get it back really quick. Like yesterday...

Without going into all the details, let's just say that my patience was being tested. And had I been getting graded, I'd probably get a "C" in patience. I could feel myself on the verge of not handling it well. And when that would happen, I would remove myself for a few moments and ask myself, "What do I want to happen here? How do I want this to go?" Knowing full well that all I could control was how I handled it...couldn't do a darn thing about how Jakob was handling it. I'd take a few breaths, focus and go back in. Now...I had to do this several different times for several different situations. Sometimes more than once for the same situaton. But...we made it thru and some really wonderful things happened.

After Jakob had fallen asleep, I really felt like I could breathe. It was a relief knowing that today was another day and we'd get to start all over again. I made the decision that today would be different, better, easier. I decided that I was gonna be calm and relaxed no matter how Jakob decided to be. I decided that I was gonna be fun to be around. That I would be loving, accepting and nonjudmental no matter what. I took a few minutes and wrote down all the good things that had happened during our "day of a few challenges". Like...he took his supplements, there were no accidents. He did great with Erin (a volunteer), he brushed his own teeth, he wrote down what he wanted when I couldn't figure it out and he remained relatively calm during that process. There were a few more too. It sure does help to focus on the good stuff and it sure helps me get my mind set for the new day.

And what a wonderful day we had. I was fun, damnit. And we laughed like crazy. We connected. I got all kinds of silly in the playroom and he loved it. Outside the playroom, we sang and danced and giggled. I was reminded that it all starts with me. The calmer that I am, the calmer he is. The happier I am, the happier he is. The more comfortable I am, the more comfotable he is. If I'm gonna help him, I have to be the person that I want to be.

Yesterday was intense. Yesterday was a blessing. Yesterday was a lesson. A big one for me. Yesterday was a reminder to me of what I've known for awhile. I need days like yesterday every once in awhile. It makes me stronger, smarter, better. And that's what I always need to strive to be...so I can teach others how to do it.